Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Landmines
Landmines Boom! There goes another landmine. 26 thousand people die a year from landmines and 8 thousand to 10 thousand of those victims are children. It’s kind of scary because there could be a land mine under your feet right now. The side effects of a landmine are probably death or ringing in your ears for a long time. There are 60 to 70 million landmines around that can kill you so watch where you step. At least 75 % of landmine deaths are people. Hopefully you aren’t going to be part of the of the deaths happening right now.
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3 comments:
you need more detail
on paragraph 2
It would be good if you put more supporting details. You also need to state your opinion about the problem. You don't really get a fell where these paragraphs start and end. I wouldn't use the term side effects for the effects of the mine because when you hear that word You think about medicine. Also you need a call to action and say what people can do to stop these landmines. " At least 75% of landmine deaths are people" you need to state what the other 25% are. You could also throw in some transition sentences from one paragraph to the other.
Stuart S.
The grabber sentence isn't really grabby. I understand your topic sentence, but I don't know your opinion on the topic. You could also change your topic sentence as it isn't very original. Your body lists facts and does not support your opinion(which is not stated in the opening paragraph). You also need to sperate your paper into paragraphs. You dont restate your opinion or give a call to action.
Jeff N.
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