“Three hundred ninety-three, three hundred ninety-two, three hundred ninety-one…” Those are the numbers of population going down in countries around the world each day when people die from not accessing medicine. Every year, millions of people in the world die of preventable diseases simply because they cannot afford to buy or access medicine to help them survive. These are innocent people who are getting sick and dying every day. Somebody should make a change in how they will be able to access medicine. This global situation needs to stop!
Each day the global population keeps going down due to the many deaths taking place in many countries. Access to medicine poses a critical challenge in many countries: prices are too high and new or adapted medicines and vaccines are not available. With the prices at a high rate these days, a lot of people in the poorest countries can’t afford their medicine. Sometimes they can afford the medicine; there just isn’t enough of it provided. Also, one-third of the world’s population lacks access to essential medicine. That means one out of every three people in the world can’t have medicine. Lastly, many people die and are disabled because they can’t treat their infectious disease. Clearly, medicine should be as easy to access as breathing.
Innocent people die every day when they can’t treat their disease. The government or somebody else should make the medicine less expensive and produce more medicine too. The medicine is too expensive and lacking. Also, you can help by joining an organization like Oxfam, which helps people pay for their medicine. With the road to death coming close to people every day, somebody should make an end to this worldwide problem.
Hannah L.
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7 comments:
I like your metaphor hannah! But i don't think you should have used the word clearly in your second paragraph!
I really like your last paragraph!!
Good closing sentence!
Your grabber sentence is very moving, and makes the reader want to read the rest of it. I like how you include a number. your last sentence is also very catching.
You include all the required sentences and you stayed on topic for all of them. I think that you could elaberate more on your sentences. when moving from one detail to another try using more transision
i like how u include a way to help the people who are suffering this tradgity. your last sentence is very moving it make the reader want to help the victums suffering so that another life could be saved.
I really like your title, it's very creative.I also like your opening sentence where you listed the population decreasing, and it really gets the reader's attention.
You have a good topic sentence, explaining the topic clearly. For your second paragraph, you need to include a topic sentence. You have great supporting details for your main three points, although you could use transitions between them. You need to include a closing sentence for your second paragraph. I like your closing sentence, but a suggestion would be that you could relate it back to your grabber. Overral, you followed the guide pretty well, you have good supporting details, and you have a good call to action.
You convinced me to support this!
Your focus and organization is really good. The opening and closing stick into my mind. You need a transition word between your second and third points. "Much of death and disability" doesn't make sense. "Much of" is what makes this sentance unclear. Your call to action does not include what everyday people can do to help. "The medicine is too expensive and lacking." does not make sense either. Lacking could be replaced with another set of words that also means, not enough of. In your closing, problem can be replaced with a stronger
word.Your topic should be,"from no access to medicine."
The grabber is very interesting and relates to your topic well. I like your vocabulary and the focus you have on the topic. You may want to make your call to action more clear, though.I've noticed you have used the word lacking many times in your paper. Maybe you could find another word that defines the same meaning. Your closing is well writen.
I Realy love how you started your scentance with A countdown! You also did a good job with saying ''this problem need to be stopped"But i would maybe say something diffrent like...This is a seriouse issue that needs our attention. But over all you did a great job!
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