Have you ever wanted a weapon, think about how deadly the weapon is first. A lot of people around the world have illegal weapons. More than 4 million people have been killed because of them. No one should have a weapon; weapons are too deadly.
Only the army should have any weapons. They are specially trained to use weapons like an AK47 Assault Rifle. A Grenade Launcher is almost as deadly as a Tank! Some other weapons like a chain gun can rip right through tank and air plane armor in about 2-3 minutes tops (with armor piercing bullets). A missile launcher can and will (if the missile hits) destroy the tank. An AK47 is a common weapon in the army. There are a lot of weapons in the army. I could go on and on about weapons but the point is the weapons are real; not fake.
No one should have a weapon. If you have a weapon, don’t keep the weapon, please donate the weapon to the army. Also you don’t have 5 lives like in Halo or Call of Duty. You have 1 life. Make it last.
Chris H.
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9 comments:
In the grabber in the first sentence should be a question or it should be worded a little different like (If you've ever wanted a weapon, first think to yourself, "How deadly is this weapon?".). Is you're starter in the second paragraph "Only the army should have weapons," if so use a trasition to your first supporting detial. Even if the next sentence is part of the grabber in the second paragraph. You need/could use some transitions throught your pionts in the second paragraph. I like your call to action. Your closing sentence in your last paragraph could use some work, but it's pretty good. However I like you're opening in you're second paragraph. Also I like you're ending in you're second paragraph, if I didn't already say that. I don't think you need a capitol after a semicolon. Other wise it's pretty good.
Michael B.
Your title (Small Arms) does not make sence. You can change it to "small kids, big responsabilities". in the first sentence there is a problem. you said "If you ever wanted a weapon, think about how deadly the weapon is first". you used the term wepon twice, You can change it to "Have you ever wanted a fire arm? if you have, think again." sentnce number 2 in incomplete. You said "A lot of people around the world have illegal weapons". You can change that to "Millions of people around the globe own illegial wepons, and over 4 million people have been killed by them." in the first Paragraph you forgot to state you opinion. Plus you can add a little to thr topuic sentence. Spelling erors in Paragraph 1: you mis spelled the word "illeagal", You neeed to write out "four million". next, your editorial doesnt stay on topic, in fact i am having trouable undestanding what your topic is. In Paragraph 2 you need to start with a grabber like in Paragraph 2.
To start consider changing your title so that it is easier to understand what the text is about.
In your first paragraph in the grabber, to pull in the reader you might want to start with a question. Also you will want to add more details and new vocabulary when discribing whats happening and your opinion.
In your middle paragraph you need to stay on topic, there is no need to talk about tanks. You also need more details to support your opinion with elaboration.
In the final paragraph you don't need to say u are going to repeat your opinion, the reader will know. Give better reasons on why people souldn't have weapons and other ways to help the problem. For the closing sentence try to add more style to it, think deeper into it.
Adding commas and in the last paragraph maybe needed to make the sentences blend together will help. You have over used the ;, you dont't need to use it in "That is saying a lot;". You will need to spell out numbers and use less parentheses, instead use commas.
This post is mikey thomas
In the grabber in the first sentence should be a question or it should be worded a little different like (If you've ever wanted a weapon, first think to yourself, "How deadly is this weapon?".). Is you're starter in the second paragraph "Only the army should have weapons," if so use a trasition to your first supporting detial. Even if the next sentence is part of the grabber in the second paragraph. You need/could use some transitions throught your pionts in the second paragraph. I like your call to action. Your closing sentence in your last paragraph could use some work, but it's pretty good. However I like you're opening in you're second paragraph. Also I like you're ending in you're second paragraph, if I didn't already say that. I don't think you need a capitol after a semicolon. Other wise it's pretty good. Plus you should make you're title more creative.
In the grabber in the first sentence should be a question or it should be worded a little different like (If you've ever wanted a weapon, first think to yourself, "How deadly is this weapon?".). Is you're starter in the second paragraph "Only the army should have weapons," if so use a trasition to your first supporting detial. Even if the next sentence is part of the grabber in the second paragraph. You need/could use some transitions throught your pionts in the second paragraph. I like your call to action. Your closing sentence in your last paragraph could use some work, but it's pretty good. However I like you're opening in you're second paragraph. Also I like you're ending in you're second paragraph, if I didn't already say that. I don't think you need a capitol after a semicolon. Other wise it's pretty good. Plus you should make you're title more creative.
Michael B.
hey im a little counfused about what your topic is your title is little arms does that mean its about child soldiers? or weapons? if it is about child soldiers you didnt even say anything about them. what is your topic?
That was a great editorial! I love the ending, that got me really thinking about how deadly guns actually are.
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